I’ve been in a funk recently. I don’t need to go into details, but some might call it midlife existential angst. Last week was particularly difficult; I was feeling mighty sorry for myself and struggling with feelings of low self-worth. It was pitiful and I wallowed in self-criticism. I wasn’t making the progress I wanted on my book, behind on book reviews, struggling with motivation to get to the gym, disorganized as all get out, and feeling pretty much like a failure. What DID I have to show at the end of the day? A mostly clean house, a fairly well-exercised dog, and laundry.
Huge piles of clean, yet-to-be-folded laundry.
Since I’ve already proven that laundry is dangerous, I can only imagine that one day when my end comes I will have been suffocated by a teetering pile of too-long ignored laundry.
I tried to meditate my way out of anxiety attacks. I took the dog on walks. Prayers for direction seemingly went answered. What is a girl to do?
Then I saw an article on Medium about figuring out the goals you actually want. Then another article dropped into my inbox. And then another. And then an Instagram post from an illustrator who talked about doing things for the joy of it and not being self-critical.
Then a friend called to ask if I could meet for lunch, and I put on some pants and caught up with her. She offered to stop by my house and take me to the gym.
And then someone from my gym called to say hi because she hadn’t seen me and missed me in class. There I stood, in the middle of the mall, tears streaming down my face.
Fortunately, she called when I was standing in front of Sephora, so when the called ended I popped inside for the concealer I was low on and took a minute to try some samples and fix my face.
Lastly, when I arrived home that afternoon there was a card in the mail from a friend, just because, and it said “take some time for yourself today – you deserve it.”
Sometimes, when you need it most, the universe offers up what you need to hear, if only you listen.
Sometimes, it hits you upside the head with a two-by-four.
Ah, but you’re wondering, did it give me the kick in the pants to get back on track and feel like my old self. Well…
My old self is anxious and self-deprecating, so that won’t change MUCH.
BUT did I feel like I mattered? Yes, a little bit. And am I a little more motivated?
Mostly. I’ve written every day, I’ve drawn something (and shared it) every day.
I might not be fully out of the hole I’ve dug myself, but I’m seeing sunlight and I feel like I’ve been offered a leg up.
And that feels good.
Today’s post was inspired by this week’s prompt from Five Minute
Friday ,which is intended to be a five-minute free write – with no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation.
I’m a terrible rule follower and even worse with typos, so this was TOTALLY edited for grammar, spelling, and punctuation after those five minutes were up.